Cold In Life's Throes
by verbal acuity
Summary: EliClare - After all is said and done, Eli's not sure how he's supposed to get her back...not after this - oneshot.


Disclaimer: Not mine.

All Falls Down (2). This episode broke my heart, so this story is going to break your heart. I'm so...mad at the creators. Like, ohmygod. How could they do this? First of all, END IT LIKE THAT? Second of all, I'm terrified that eclare might not make it whence the show starts up again in October. And I don't think I could handle it if Clare or Eli ended up with anyone but each other. So, Degrassi, you've successfully upset me like no other show has in my life. Good job.

This story sucks. Majorly. I couldn't get the emotion out properly. I asked two people and they said third person, so I wrote it in third person...and it didn't come out great. Sorry.

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COLD IN LIFE'S THROES

He felt everything in excruciating detail. The cold glass doors against his clothed back, Clare's body heat from across the hall. He could feel every emotion running through her head, and he could feel the anger painted across Fitz's face. The anger channeled into the knife about to slice open his gut and he felt sick. He was frozen, cold, didn't know what to do. He couldn't move, didn't dare. He was scared shitless. There was no witty remark to save him now, no charm in his green eyes to sway anyone into changing their mind.

Fitz had him cornered, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"Please," he said, eyes flickering to the knife for a split second, then back at his enemy. "Don't do this." He didn't want to die, didn't want it to end like this. A year ago...maybe he might have. Right after Julia, he might have begged for death, because he had nothing else to live for. But now he had someone; he had Clare, despite the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with him right now. He loved her. He didn't want to die.

"Someone's gotta shut you up."

And his hand moved, a quick forward thrust and Eli cringed, shock painting his face and he froze for a moment, completely still. Clare's gasp could be heard in the distance, but he could barely hear it over his own heartbeat, over the blood rushing in his ears. He was deaf to all other sounds. He caught sight of Fitz's sickening smirk and slid down the wall. Steadying his breathing and his rampant heartbeat he looked up and stared at the knife for a moment, before his vision went blank.

He stared at the floor, not really seeing it. Distantly, he felt Clare's presense, and her hand on his shoulder, soothing. He could have died. He could be _bleeding_ to death right now, in front of the girl he loved. But he couldn't think about her. She was touching him, yes, but he was alive, he was breathing, _unscathed_.

"Don't worry," he heard from above him, a smirk in that disgusting voice- the voice that was going to haunt his dreams- and the sickening feeling was back in his stomach. "You can bleach out urine stains." There was laughter in that voice; laughter tainted with sadism. He couldn't breathe.

A light shone in the hallway and all eyes turned. "Hands up, nobody move!" Neither Eli nor Clare moved, but the cops had Fitz against the lockers, hands behind his back.

Next to him, Clare sighed- not with relief- her emotions unknown. Her heart had broken tonight, and she couldn't bring herself to be relieved, not in any way. Eli almost died, and she could have done nothing to prevent it. She looked at him, sadness evident in those blue pools, but Eli didn't return the look. He couldn't look past his mistake, Fitz's mistake. He was ashamed, terrified. And he could very well have lost Clare forever. He'd see her everyday...but he wouldn't be able to call her his, not anymore. She'd go back to being her reserved, quiet, bookworm self, and never spare him a single glance. And it was all his fault.

Neither of them could remember the walk outside. And Eli couldn't remember what compeled him to speak, but the words ran out like a waterfall. "When I was nine there was this kid, Mike. His hobby was beating me up. No matter how fast I ran, he was always faster," he paused and they both turned their heads to watch Fitz be taken away. The only sound was the chatter around them and the sirens.

Clare spoke up, "You're not nine anymore..." Her arms were curled around herself.

"Neither are the bullies, so what was I supposed to do?"

They couldn't tear their heads away from Fitz as he got into the cop car. But Clare spoke again, "I don't have an answer," she said, and her voice was so broken it sounded like she was crying. But she wasn't. "But if it's this..." Before she finished he knew what she was going to say, and he felt his heart break. He didn't want the truth- the blunt, cold truth. "Then I can't be with you." It hurt her more than anything to say it, because she harbored these feelings for him...these terrible feelings that broke her heart in a million ways. And they both knew he had them too.

He couldn't respond because suddenly, Principal Simpson was there, questioning them. They weren't there, not really, when they answered him. They had been on autopilot, thinking of nothing but each other. Eli, about how to fix this...make everything all right. And Clare, about where she went wrong, why she couldn't get to him in time, change him into the bigger man she knew he was capable of being.

Somehow they'd gotten into Eli's hearse and they were driving, just _driving_, in the opposite direction from Clare's house, and away from Eli's. Clare didn't protest. She couldn't find words. She didn't care where he was taking her...she wanted to get away.

It didn't register in her mind that they stopped- she hadn't even been sure how long they'd been driving for- until he spoke her name, shattering her little closed-up world. At the sound of his voice, piercing her heart, she gasped and tears began to flow freely, quiet sobs gradually becoming louder. He let her cry, his hand, cold as ice, grasped hers and clenched tight for dear life. He was terrified to let go, terrified he'd lose her the moment they lost contact.

"I never meant for this to happen," he said, voice soft and broken, as broken as her heart. "I just wanted to be with you." He didn't look at her; his free hand was clenched tight around the steering wheel, knuckles white in his vice grip. He squeezed harder, if possible, and the sound of leather kept them sane, made them realize that they were alive, and breathing, and with each other. "I was so scared, Clare," it came out a whisper, but she heard it nonetheless. Her sobs slowed and her breathing evened out. "I've never been so scared of death before," he laughed, humorlessly. The sound startled her into looking at him. He never tore his gaze away from the road, empty and dark. "But I was terrified, Clare. Do you know why?"

She croaked, "Why?"

A smirk flickered on his face before it turned into a grimace. "Because if I died," he lowered his voice, afraid that it might become a reality, "I would never see you again."

Her hand was shaking in his and he finally turned to her, mesmerizing her with his enchanting eyes. She was lost the moment they made contact. He leaned closer to her, breath hot on her ear. She gasped, unable to move. She was frozen to the spot. _Back away_, she told herself, _You can't be with him_. But she couldn't do it. She was hurting, and he was too. They were two broken people, helplessly in love and unable to express it. Clare wanted nothing more than to be with him, protect him, take care of him. But she knew that he wasn't going to change. She'd tried before, to get him to change...and look where it got them. Terrified of their own shadow.

"Clare," he said and her breath caught in her throat. She was shaking. "I don't want to lose you."

She bit her lip and pulled back, tugging her hand from his grasp. "I can't do this anymore, Eli," she wasn't sure where the strength in her voice came from...but she was glad for it. _Don't show weakness_. "You almost _died_, don't you get it?" Her eyes were piercing his soul, tearing him apart. "_Fitz was going to kill you_, because you didn't listen to me. _Why_ didn't you listen to me?" He couldn't breathe anymore. His eyes wouldn't pry from her beautiful face- even flushed in anger she was stunning, desireable. "We _can't_ be together."

"You," he said, voice so low he could barely hear himself, "don't get it, Clare."

She crossed her arms and glared at him. "And what, pray tell, don't I get, Goldsworthy?"

She was defiant, and he was mad. He couldn't hold back anymore. Throwing caution to the wind he grasped her face hard inbetween his hands and tugged her close, too close, and stole her breath away. The kiss was rough, violent, with every ill-emotion he had running through his jumbled brain. He didn't care that she didn't respond, didn't care that she shut down and froze in his arms. He kept his lips pressed to hers, bruising, until he got his point across. His teeth closed around her bottom lip for a split second before he released her altogether. Sitting back in his seat he closed his eyes, fighting back the tears.

"Clare," he said, fists clenching on the steering wheel. "I love you. I'm," he paused to breathe, turning this into a reality, finally, "_in love_ with you."

He heard her gasp, followed by a strangled sob in the back of her throat. Oh god, she was going to turn him down.

"Please," he pleaded, much like he'd done with _him_. "You can't leave me. I need you, more than anything."

"Eli, please," she was crying again. "Please stop doing this..."

"Clare-"

"Take me home," her voice was stern, all sadness gone. But one look into her eyes and he knew it was still there. She was hurting, just as much as he was, and he could do nothing to stop it. It was his fault Julia died...and now it was his fault Clare was dying, slowly. The old Clare didn't exist anymore. He'd changed her, and not for the better. He broke her and he had no idea how to put her back together.

They drove off, the ride back was as silent as the ride there. When he pulled in front of her house he cut the engine and sighed, leaning back in the driver's seat. He hoped she'd say something, anything. But she didn't and when the passenger door opened it was like someone banged his head against a glass door. She didn't look at him. As the door closed he caught, "Goodbye, Eli," and she was halfway to her porch, once again with his heart, this time broken.

And all he could think about was, _How can I fix this?_

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I hated this. It was terrible. But review anyone, because I want to hear everyone else's opinion on how terrible it was. kthnxbai.


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